Karma ii

(Cheese alert)

I am not one for karma, really. I just find the irony surrounding this concept of retribution and reward, based on the idea of fairness and the natural balance of the universe, quite appealing. And since when was it a crime to believe in the unreal? I mean, don’t lots of people believe in God? Hah, i jest.

I moved out last week, inexplicably a sodden mess. Even as I am writing this, a million hours later, the memory of bawling my life away in the privacy of my room, unable to stop the snot and tears from falling off my face, and endless sleepless nights, still follows quite closely at the back of my head, still deeply etched along the inside walls of my skin in ache and fatigue. It had technically been my decision to move out. I’d offered, but refused the responsibility – something i would have to grow out of. I learnt a few things about myself during this experience, and according to a few sources, apparently the lessons are eventually worth the pain. Yay?

As you know, from my last post, i spent a considerable part of my young romantic life believing that there is always a way of manipulating someone into loving you, mostly because i had been lucky enough to be spoiled. But to my utter dismay, being heartbroken and repeatedly stabbed in the metaphorical heart was how i learnt how wrong i was. I had never been rejected before in my life, and now that it happened, i resisted understanding and coping with the situation. One of the many firsts that will hurt i guess. karma.

Nonetheless, i can still see i am still a lucky girl. The man i consider to be the love of my life didn’t need to be manipulated into loving me, i just couldn’t convince him to love me the way i wanted him to. I wasn't rejected due to a lack of love, but due to differences. We had unfulfilled expectations, insecurities, accumulated tension from unresolved issues, trying living conditions, and terrible communication skills – but never a lack of love. Patience ran out, frustration and disappointment took our gaze away from the reasons why we chose to be together in the first place, which is the point where the sticky ends fray, and detach.

In my mind, love solves everything. It was supposed to forgive and nudge healthy changes. It was supposed to encourage compromise and commitment. But what i didn't realise is how hard it is, and no matter how much of love you have, there are so many other things that will and can override it. Yet again, the same age old fact applies here - the mind knows many things, but oh, the heart.